the reeducation of me.

(in typical me fashion, i charge ahead and post without introducing myself, like you know me and are already in my head.) 

while you may know me, you may not know what inspired this blog. 

about five years ago, i started losing weight. for the vast majority of my life, i have been overweight; from high school until the beginning of my phd program, i was seriously obese. i had tried most every diet out there, but never was successful.  there are a lot of reasons for that, but mainly it was because i wasn't ready. i don't know why; i railed against my weight for many years, wishing and hoping that i could be smaller and healthier.  but i never really did anything about it.

then i moved, and had a year of phd program, and somehow i was ready.  nothing exciting--calorie counting and portion size education.  i lost about 90 pounds in about a year.  i maintained it for about a year or so, then lost 30 or 40 more primarily through exercise.  between those two years, i figured out a lot about myself, my relationship with food (though i deeply loathe that term), and how to exercise.

and i learned that i actually liked things that i didn't think i liked (hello, vegetables, i'm looking at you) and was actually good at other things i didn't think i ever would be.  it was a steep, and rewarding, learning curve.

but one of the main things i learned is that my weight will always be a constant battle, and that the numbers on the scale are sometimes depressingly underwhelming.  health is about far more than what i weigh, though i am in a constant quest to finally reach my goal weight. 

all of this is background to where i am now: newly married, about to graduate with a phd, and holding down about three or four different teaching jobs to support our new little family while my husband goes to school.  my life is a juggling act that has often found me not taking good care of myself. since i got married in august, i've gained twenty pounds.  happily, those twenty pounds have been half a pants size instead of three, a miracle stemming from exercise, i think.  but it bothers me more than i can say, and even thought i've done a lot of things, the pounds just aren't coming off. 

when things are busy, it still seems the easiest thing to do is slap a frozen pizza in the oven and call it a night.  it's way too easy for me to not be conscious of healthy choices when i'm busy and living on a budget.  nobody puts grapes on bogo sale, you know? i still like to bake when i'm stressed and unfortunately often lack the willpower to stop myself from eating what i bake.  i have a wicked sweet tooth that i keep trying to figure out how to placate with healthy choices rather than my previous default position (a little something that i like to call ben and jerry's/oreo/anything chocolate and full of transfat therapy). 

i am reeducating myself again, with a focus on making myself the healthiest and strongest that i can be.  i want to feel good in my skin, not necessarily because a number tells me to be so, but because i know that i am consistently making the choices that will bring me stamina and strength and energy--so that i can run and not be weary and walk and not faint.  when i do that, and when my weaknesses have become strengths, then i will feel like a success.  i'm on my way.  but it's a daily struggle.

so here, you'll hear about the tricks i've discovered, the ways i'm trying to make things more healthy, and the lessons i've learned in my journey. here, i'll learn that i'm not alone in my struggle as well as some awesome hints and tips from people who i respect and admire.

there will be lessons for all of us, i'm sure.