there's no easy way out.

when i was nearing the end of my pregnancy, i was thinking how much i was going to look forward to the miraculous wonders of breastfeeding for getting my body back into shape fast. i had heard the stories of weight lost plus some, and i was definitely hoping for some extra help on the journey.

this, like many of my expectations relating to labor and delivery, has been dashed by circumstance.

see, much as i wanted to breastfeed, the girls just don't seem up to the challenge. perhaps my complicated delivery (which brought with it a blood transfusion and a surprise emergency procedure) had something to do with it, but i'm simply not making enough, no matter how many herbs and lactation consultant and pumping sessions i go through.  nothing's working to elevate my numbers, so me and my baby girl and my husband are dealing with the realities of a supplementing life. i'm still pumping, and still doing my best, but i sincerely doubt that the numbers that i'm producing are going to do much for the scale's numbers.

so even though i've lost half the weight i gained with my pregnancy already, i am dealing with the reality of a pretty uphill battle.  there are lots of things i'd like to have be true, but none of them is truer than the fact that i'd like to fit into my pants again. i just feel soft and flabby and large. so very very large.

i'm ever so slowly getting back onto the wagon.  first will be writing things down. i haven't been doing it for a while now, and i know that's the first key to my success.

the second thing i'm doing is going back to exercise--hard core.  i went back to body combat on saturday and again on monday. it's been something like nine months since i've gone (i counted...37 weeks), and it was surprisingly not as bad as i thought it would be.  but i am more clumsy and less self-assured than i once was, and i'm modifying the heck out of some of the moves (scissors? jumping jacks? no way. not now.) while giving my all into the others (jab-jab-cross? you got it. with my whole heart.). 

this battle's a hard one.  and i'm not going to lie--it's super discouraging to be in this place. people tell me all of the time right now how good i look.  i don't see it. all i see is a burning desire to have my old body back ASAP, and the feeling that somehow i'm not doing enough to make that happen.  and hips that are two sizes bigger than they used to be. 

even when i am eating right and exercising, the reality of being a new mom is that i am severely sleep deprived and often running on empty, physically and emotionally at times.  that's not been, in my experience, the best fountain of successful weight loss. so it may be, i know intellectually, a while before i start to see real results. 

but i can try to see in myself the good stuff rather than focusing on the bad.  i'm going to work on that one.  that might be my third step.

so my three goals for this week are this:

1) write down my food for the next week, even if i'm not sure what i ate or how much it was, i will guesstimate as accurately as i can and be accountable. 

2) go to body combat every time it's offered. that means that i will go on wednesday, friday, and monday.   i will also try to incorporate at least one walk in there as well, which will mean that i am exercising 4 days this week.

3) i will stifle the negative self-talk. every day, i will find something positive to say about my physical appearance, and i will work earnestly to believe it. 

so there you go, dear readers.  i'm back, and i'm on a journey. i hope you will come along with me and, especially for those of you who have been there, will tell me what worked for you and what lessons you've learned along the way. i know ashlee has been incredibly successful of late, and i know many of you have as well.

what did you do that kickstarted your postpartum weight loss? what advice do you have for me?