Wednesday, July 28, 2010

tuning in.

it's coming to the end of the summer semester, and the beginning of fall looms.  musicboy and i just moved into a new, bigger place. i graduate in a week and a half with the Big Degree, the one that makes you elicit promises from your nearest and dearest that if you ever, under any circumstances, mention going back to school, they will promptly do something drastic to sort you back into your right self.  musicboy begins his stint in a huge, famous, amazing marching band in fall, which means i'll never see him, along with starting his new degree program.

we've got stuff going on is my point.

with all of these momentous changes come goals.  i am a goal setter. i am not always a goal keeper, but whenever i feel a little left-of-center, i make goals and i figure out how to achieve them. sometimes this manifests itself in planner explosion, when i figure out what i have to do hour by hour during the day in order to make a dent in a too-long to-do list.  sometimes this manifests itself in creating a long list of manageable but perhaps overambitious long-term goals.  sometimes this manifests itself in mega-micromanagement.

it's that last one that has got me thinking. i've been musing on it for a while now, but this weekend really cemented some things for me. 

(i hate to shamelessly link to my other blog all of the time, but i'm a gal who likes context but also dislikes when people go on and on and there you go. read if you wish.)

now it's time to put that revelation into practice.

one of the ways i'm planning on letting go is to tune back into my body, with all of its quirks and strange behavior.  for the longest time, i was a sensational eater. if it tasted good, i wanted more of it because of the sensation i got when i ate it.  it wasn't about being satisfied physically; it was about satisfying some other sense.  or i was a time eater.  if it was time for dinner, well, i guess i'd better eat something regardless of how i feel.

i really want to learn how to listen to what my body is telling me, to cut through the madness of bad social conditioning and habits that have been weakened, if not completely broken.  i want to be able to interpret the messages that i'm getting.  i want to have wisdom about what works for my body.

i want to eat pizza and stop when i'm full.
i want to be able to eat lunch not when it's 12 on the dot but when my stomach says that breakfast is most assuredly gone and, hey lady can we get some sustenance up in here?
i want to learn the difference, in my body, between hunger and thirst. i think we often get them confused.
i want to know how far i can push my body in a workout but also know that moderate work is doing something great too.
i want to feel my muscles working and to feel successful when i have accomplished something well.

i want to get out of my head and into my heart, my lungs, my body in all of its majesty and wonder.  in so doing, i want to learn how it works, how it's different than anyone else's, and how beautiful it really is.

we are works of wonder.  i want to stand in awe.

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